Bilbo's Misadventures: Cream Issues
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: This is about Thorin's personal problem, he hasn't been able to take care of his urges since defeating Smaug. He is busy trying to solve his issue when Bilbo starts knocking, and read on to see what happens next! Rated M because he's a dwarf with needs...


Thorin had a private matter that he had shared with no one. It was very personal, this secret problem, and he had no intention of revealing it to others. Because of that fact, he suffered in silence, frustrated with himself at his inability to overcome his issue.

The issue at hand was...embarrassing for Thorin. He was unable to fill certain needs since taking back his home under the mountain. The mental image of a dwarf lass no longer proved entertaining for the disgruntled king. The dwarf could wake up and find himself at full mast, but try as he may, nothing would work to relieve his pent up need.

He was running out of ideas on what to try and think about when attempting to enjoy himself. At the moment, he was locked in his room, trying to beat off to the thought of how battle excited him, when a loud knock startled him.

"Thorin, you have a minute?" Bilbo called, jiggling the door and trying to just burst in, thankfully the thing was locked!

"Damn it Bilbo!" Thorin howled, his hand still instinctively working himself over as he cursed the pushy hobbit. In his curse, all the times Bilbo and Thorin had interacted went through the dwarfs mind in a flash. The memory of kissing Bilbo, thinking he was a dale woman catching his minds attention.

He made a feral grunting noise, Bilbo hearing it and asking if Thorin was alright.

"Just give me a minute!" He huffed out his words, finally finding the right frame of mind that was leading him down the path he so desired physically.

"What, not dressed at this hour? You're not fighting off another trouser snake, are you?" Bilbo teased, Thorin thinking privately how close the hobbit was to guessing the truth.

Thorin held back the hearty scream he so wanted to make as he finished his business for the first time since Smaug's end. In his passion, the king unceremoniously dripped all over his trousers he'd taken off and tossed to the floor. With a curse, he scrambled around, trying to find another pair in his bedroom.

"What's taking so long?!" Bilbo whined through the door, ever the persistent hobbit.

Tossing about his drawer where he kept his clothing, Thorin found tunics and socks, but not any blasted trousers!

Reluctantly, he picked up a sock and attempted to wipe off his trousers that had been defiled. Making unhappy faces as he gingerly picked up the item and started cleaning it off here and there.

Thorin made a quick job of it, letting the sock sink to the floor, his foot kicking it under his large bed so Bilbo wouldn't see. With special care, he slipped on the still damp in some places trousers. Feeling dirty as he buttoned them and started for the door.

"Finally!" Bilbo sighed in mock exasperation to Thorin as he unlocked and opened the door.

"What is it, Bilbo?" The dwarf got straight to the point, uninterested in bantering with the fellow.

"I was just wanting to ask you if...what is _that_?" Bilbo pointed a finger towards Thorins lower half.

"What?!" Thorin demanded, not seeing anything strange as he gazed downward at himself.

"What is _that_, Thorin?" Bilbo asked again, this time bending down and taking a closer look, his head near the dwarfs crotch, making Thorin VERY uncomfortable.

He felt a little finger scrape something off the dwarfs inner thigh, Bilbos body standing up and showing the embarrassed king a white-ish looking substance.

Here we go! Thorin would never live this horrible event down! Bilbo was looking at him with such disappointment, the dwarf could hardly keep the hobbits gaze.

"You have been sneaking those cream filled treats into your room, _haven't_ you! Bombur said they had all gone missing and here I find evidence on _your_ trousers! For shame, Thorin! You're not the only cream loving person in this mountain." With that statement said, Bilbo took his messy finger and with a quick slurp he had it swallowed before Thorin could even stop him.

Bilbo looked as if he were pleased with himself, while Thorins jaw hung open, his eyes wide in utter disbelief. That hobbit had just eaten his...

In a quick movement, Thorin launched himself back into his room and locked the door again, Bilbo knocking on the closed door angrily. Thorin started laughing loudly to himself at the sheer craziness of their situation. Bilbo thought Thorin a cream pastry hoarder, what else could that creamy substance have been to the eyes of such an innocent hobbit?

Thorin laughed at the thought of Bilbo realizing what he'd really just swallowed, imagining his cheeks turning red and his eyes bugging out in shock. Thorin had started out feeling embarrassed and caught in the act, and now here he was, laughing his ass off over Bilbo being a silly arse. The mountain was most certainly a livelier place because of its hobbit inhabitant, that was for sure!

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

-0-0-

A/N: So, Thorin has to ask himself the question: Does he really like Bilbo as more than just a friend? He just jacked off to the thought of his hobbit companion kissing him, so that says something! The other question you have to wonder about is what if Bilbo knew exactly what he was doing? What if he didn't want Thorin to feel embarrassed and totally played the innocent hobbit card? That's something to think about! Hope this made some of you laugh, even though its kinda dirty/ rated M because of its content.


End file.
